The World Around Us: Part 1
by angelkittysmith
Summary: My childhood friends Sarah, James, Henri, and I discuss the aspects of safety and communication in our neighborhoods as we look back on several previous moments from our childhood years. Many episodes of the show are used as references to the story. NOTE: I do NOT own Liberty's Kids.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: An Evening at the Mistles' House

It was a cold Saturday evening in January 2018 when I met my childhood friends Sarah, James, and Henri at my other best friend, Emily Mistle's house in East Liberty. "Hi, guys!" I greeted my friends. "Hi, Angel!" Sarah greeted back. "I have missed you guys so much," I told my friends. "How was your trip to Gettysburg?" "It was a lot of fun, Angel," James replied. "Thank you for asking!" "We were gone for 3 weeks," Henri added. "Wow, that is a long time to be gone," Erin pointed out. "Good to see you again, James," Michael greeted. "How was your Christmas, Sarah?" Emily asked. "Angel and I had a lot of fun." "Our Christmas went well," Sarah replied. "Did Gettysburg get any snow for Christmas, like Pittsburgh did?" I asked. "No, but it was very windy on Christmas," Sarah replied. "What was your favorite thing that you did over Christmas break?" "I don't know, I guess I would have to say seeing the high school and middle school band concerts," I replied. "Didn't you like it when my younger siblings sang Christmas carols?" Emily asked. "Oh yeah, that was a lot of fun, too," I agreed. "Angel, Michael, Erin, and I are having pizza for dinner tonight," Emily told Sarah. "We ordered you, James, and Henri a separate pizza and a 2-liter bottle of Pepsi from Pizza Fiesta." "We also have a special surprise for you that we brought back from Gettysburg," James told all of us. "Well, our parents have it, but you can come see it next weekend at the Waterworks Theater!" "I have missed you guys so much," I told my friends. "It was also very cold outside when you were gone. It was not pleasant at all." "I bet it wasn't," Sarah agreed. "I'm glad you guys had fun in Gettysburg, but not seeing you guys for a month, along with that extreme cold, was a dark time for me." "Ever since we met Angel at that church on our parents' wedding day, we became best friends," Sarah added. "What church are you talking about?" Emily asked. "The East Liberty Presbyterian Church?" "No, the Natrona Heights Presbyterian Church," I explained. "The same place where we had our honors banquet, too," James added. "Is the pizza here yet?" Henri asked. "I am starving." Pretty soon, Sarah, James, and Henri's pizza came, while Emily, Michael, Erin, and I had our own pizza. I ate Hawaiian pizza, Emily ate chicken-pesto pizza, Michael ate BBQ Yardbird pizza, and Erin ate Farmers' Market pizza. Sarah ate cheese pizza, while James and Henri ate pepperoni pizza. While Sarah shared some of their parents' cookies with James and Henri, I ate a Nature Valley Dark Chocolate and Nut Chewy Trail Mix Bar, Emily ate Honey Nut Chex Mix, Michael ate Pretzel M&Ms, and Erin ate a Cliff Mojo Dark Chocolate Cherry Almond Trail Mix Bar. "Mmm, this pizza is good," Henri stated. "I like it much better than spaghetti and salad, especially salad." "What about the tomato sauce on spaghetti?" Sarah asked. "You still like that, don't you?" James asked. "Of course," Henri replied. "The cookies I baked reminded me of the wedding cake our parents baked, with fruit-flavored fillings and vanilla frosting." "And our banquet cake, too, Sarah," James pointed out. "Why are Sarah, James, and Henri talking about a wedding and banquet when neither one of them is happening tonight?" Emily asked. "Oh, we are all about reminiscing the good old days," I reminded Emily, "and the last 15 years of our friendship." "Maybe, they would like to play a game to get their mind off of things," Michael suggested. "That's a good idea, Michael," Erin agreed. "We have 3 choices of games for you guys to play," Emily told us. "Apples to Apples, Bananagrams, or Headbanz?" "I would like to play Apples to Apples again," I requested. "Oh, and may I please have a glass of juice?" "Sure," Emily replied. Emily got me my juice and us our Apples to Apples game. I ended up winning the game. Pretty soon, it was time for me to go back home. "Thanks for a great evening, guys!" I thanked my friends. "You're welcome, Angel," Sarah replied. "Bye, guys!" "Bye!"


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: The Importance of Communication and Safety

The next Saturday in January 2018 was milder when I met Sarah, James, and Henri at their apartment in Oakland. "Hi, guys!" I greeted my friends. "Hi, Angel!" Sarah greeted back. "I made one of your favorite breakfasts- pancakes," James stated. He served us all pancakes, in which I added Greek yogurt, chopped pecans, and a bit of maple syrup. "Do you know what I like best about our relationship, guys?" I asked. "No, what?" Henri asked. "Well, I like how we communicate with each other and how we keep each other safe," I explained. "I like communicating with you guys and staying safe, too," James agreed. "Also, communication and safety are very important parts of our relationship," I pointed out. "You're absolutely right, Angel," Sarah also agreed with me. "They are." "Can you guys think of some times during our early days in which you had to exercise communication and safety?" I asked. "The time when you, James, and I went to the baseball game at James's high school, it was important that we communicated with each other," Sarah replied. "Safety was important because we could not get lost in the crowd, or get offered anything from strangers," James added. "Don't forget about the time we sold lemonade on that unseasonably hot day in May," Henri chimed in. "Henri makes a good point," I agreed. "We had to communicate with each other to make sure we were each doing our part in the lemonade sale." "I needed to communicate with the customers to get them to buy our homemade lemonade," James pointed out. "I definitely know one way that safety was important that day," Sarah added. "How?" I asked. "Me staying inside and doing my geography homework," Sarah pointed out. "Again, how is that safe?" I asked. "To keep myself from getting sick in the hot weather, and I needed to do geography homework anyway so I could pass the course," Sarah explained. "That's my best friend," I praised. "Studious and safe- 2 good things." "What are some things that we could talk about during our weekends together, Angel?" James asked. "That's a good question, James," I replied. "Lots of things, actually." "Like what?" "I would say starting appropriate conversations with others since I do not always talk about appropriate things, even with you guys, because I repeat things that you guys would not want to hear," I replied, "and also hot topics and debates, including age, politics, jobs, and romance. That could also be something for us to do if Carly Shay and her parents want to join us sometime, since you guys are good friends with them." "Speaking of which, do you and Alex have plans for tomorrow?" Sarah asked me. "No, we don't," I replied. "How would you guys like to come see the red carpet premiere of our documentary _Christmas in Gettysburg_ at the Waterworks Cinema tomorrow?" James offered. "Sure," I replied. "That would be lots of fun. Now, what aspects of communication and safety would you guys like to work on, which include nonverbal, conversation skills, formal versus informal, dating, humor, assertiveness, coping with social anxiety, workplace, and of course, hot topics and debates?" "I would like to work on learning strategies to calm myself when I am feeling anxious in social situations, as well as how to make a date successful," Sarah explained, "like when I tried to talk to the star pitcher, Paul at the baseball game and ask him on a date. It was the exact same situation with our neighbor, Paul Wentworth, who was a little bit older than me. I wanted to just ask him on a date so he could ditch the lemonade sale and help me with my homework." "Again, why did you not get any lemonade to drink?" I asked my friend. "For the millionth time, it's unhealthy, so I ended up drinking a bottle of strawberry kiwi-flavored water with fresh lemon instead," Sarah repeated. "You were trying to overcome your social anxiety and your dating fears at the same time," I concluded. "Exactly, because I wanted to learn the names of the baseball players, and because I refused to go outside in the hot weather, so I asked the two Pauls to go on a date with me," Sarah added. "Little did you know that you would have so many other boyfriends later on," I pointed out. "I would like to work on learning how to initiate conversations and how to stay safe in the community, as well as with strangers," James explained, "like when I tried to start a conversation with the star pitcher, Paul and had to work hard not to lose my place in the bleachers. I wanted to start a conversation with our neighbor, Paul Wentworth, whom I didn't realize was my neighbor at the time, and I wanted to chat with him about the early season hot spell." "Wow, chatting with strangers is a way for you to initiate conversations," I concluded, "even when you didn't know them at the time." "You're right, Angel," James agreed, "since that is a good way for me to make new friends!" "Not exactly the best way, but okay," I pointed out. "I would like to work on being able to recognize when others are getting upset and how to have fun appropriately," Henri explained, "like how I convinced Sarah to help us with the lemonade sale, and she was getting upset because she didn't want to." "Wow, Henri," I remarked. "You were a very pushy young child back then." "I just didn't like hot weather, so you had to respect my wishes," Sarah reminded. "Well, I just didn't know!" Henri shouted. "Okay guys, that's enough," James stopped. "Angel is right, Henri. You need to learn to not push people like your sister around, and Sarah, you have a right to express how you feel about your weather preferences." "Thanks for telling them, James," I agreed. After we finished our breakfast, I had an activity for us to do: a Fishbowl Game, in which we pulled a slip of paper out of a bowl for us to discuss as a group. I chose how I felt a setting was boring without conversation, which I disagreed with. Sarah felt the baseball game and having Chinese dinner on the hot spring day were boring without conversation. James agreed with his stepsister, as well as conversation while selling lemonade on the same day. Henri claimed that a lemonade sale is not a sale without conversation, as he talked about the sale a lot at dinnertime and bedtime that day, as well. Sarah chose caring about others' safety. I cared a lot about safety during the baseball game and the hot weather, as well. Sarah cared about James's safety during the baseball game and when he sold lemonade, as he was interacting with the two boys named Paul. James cared a lot about safety during the baseball game and the lemonade sale, as well. Henri did not care so much about safety, just about having fun, which was offensive to everyone at the time. James chose how communication changed, and Henri chose the best forms of communication. We continued to apply those both to the baseball game that Sarah, James, and I went to, as well as the lemonade sale on the hot spring day, and even the Chinese dinner meal and our bedtime ritual after the sale was over. "Don't forget to stop by our apartment again tonight," Sarah reminded me. "Why is that?" I asked. "So we can show you the DVD of our vacation before you see it with your other friends at the Waterworks Theater," James explained. "Our family will be here now, and we are making lasagna for dinner," Henri added. "Okay then," I agreed. "I will come." A bus showed up outside the apartment. It was time for me to leave. "Thanks for a great morning, everyone!" I thanked my friends. "You're welcome, Angel," Sarah replied. "Bye, guys!" "Bye!"


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Nonverbal Communication

On a warm last Saturday of January 2018, my best friend, Emily Mistle and I met up with some more of my childhood friends Sarah, James, and Henri at their apartment in Oakland. "Hi, guys!" I greeted my friends. "Hi, Angel!" Sarah greeted back. Emily wrinkled her eyebrows, crossed her arms, and stamped her feet across the room. "Wow, what's the matter, Emily?" Sarah asked. "I'm so angry," Emily stated. "Why are you angry?" James asked. "I am trying to get a good, decent story for the _Pittverse_ magazine, but I just can't find anything good," Emily explained. "What is the _Pittverse_?" Henri asked. "It's one of Pittsburgh's greatest magazines," I explained, "and it is the magazine that Emily writes for at the Carnegie Library in Squirrel Hill." "Wow, Emily, you have a very important job," Sarah remarked. "I don't see why you're so stressed about it." "Here, sit down and have a rice bowl and you will feel better," James offered. We then sat down at the table to eat lunch. "Can you guys help Emily?" I asked. "She is having a hard time, and I want her to be able to succeed at her job." "Wait a minute, before we do that, let's talk about nonverbal communication," James suggested. "Nonverbal communication includes things like kinesics, haptics, vocalics, proxemics, and chronemics," I added. "Nonverbals often work together, combining to repeat, modify or contradict the verbal message being sent," Sarah added. "Kinesics are the study of hand, arm, body, and face movements, including gestures, head movements and posture, eye contact, and facial expressions," I explained. Sarah noticed that Emily was playing with her straw. "Adaptors are touching behaviors and movements that indicate states of arousal or anxiety, like clicking pens, shaking your legs, scratching, twirling your hair, fidgeting with your fingers, and clearing your throat," Sarah told Emily, "but they can also indicate boredom, like playing with your straw, or looking at your smartphones." "Emblems have a specific agreed-on meaning, like hitchhikers raised their thumb or middle finger, indicating an 'OK' sign," James added. "Illustrators illustrate the verbal message they accompany and do not have a meaning on their own, like hand gestures to indicate the size or shape of an object," Henri chimed in. "Head movements and posture are used to acknowledge others and to communicate interest or attentiveness," I informed Emily. "If you nod your head, it is a universal sign of acknowledgement. A head shake means no. If your head is up, you have an engaged attitude. If your head is tilted, you have a submissive interest, and if your head is down, you have a negative or aggressive attitude," Sarah added. "There are many variations of the main four postures, which combined with gestures can express different meanings, like standing, sitting, squatting, and lying down," James added. "Standing with your hands on your hips means that you are assertive, while standing with your elbows out can show dominance. Sitting and leaning back shows informality, while sitting and straddling shows dominance." "Good," I agreed. "Now, can you tell me what eye contact is like?" "Eye contact regulates information, which signals to others that we are ready to speak," Sarah replied. "During interaction, we typically shift our eye contact while speaking, then we look back at the listener towards the end to signal we are finishing up, and listening maintains more eye contact." "We monitor interactions by taking in other's nonverbals, which can convey if people are engaged, bored, or confused, and then adapting," Henri chimed in. "Conveying information means that if you are deep in thought, you are looking away, good eye contact shows that you are actively listening, staring shows intimidation or flirting, meaning you do or do not want to connect with others," James pointed out, "but you should avoid eye contact in public settings." "Let's not forget about facial expressions, since our faces are the most expressive part of our bodies," I added. "You're right, Angel," Sarah agreed. "Smiles can communicate friendliness, openness, and confidence." "Smiles can indicate happiness, like smiling with your eyes," James added. "But most of them are made for others, like 'social smiles'," Henri chimed in. "Facial expressions can communicate many other things, too, such as tiredness, excitedness, anger, confusion, frustration, sadness, and confidence," Emily pointed out. "Haptics is the study of communication by touch," I continued. "They are necessary for human social development," Emily added. "They can be welcoming, threatening, or persuasive," Henri chimed in. "The most explicit advice and instruction on how to use touch than other forms of nonverbal communication, such as how to give a firm handshake to convene confidence and credibility, and inappropriate forms of touch result in legal punishment," James pointed out. "Several types of touch include functional which is professional, social which is polite, friendship which is warmth, love which is intimacy, and sexual which is arousal," Sarah added. "Functional and professional haptics are related to a goal are related to a goal or routine and therefore are expected, like with barbers, doctors, and security screeners," I explained. "Social and polite haptics help initiate interactions to convey inclusion and respect, like handshakes or a pat on the shoulders," James added. "Friendship and warmth haptics indicate relational maintenance and communicate closeness and care, but do not always match up," Sarah pointed out. "Love and intimacy haptics are more personal and are only exchanged between significant others, like your BFF, close friends, and romantic partners," Henri chimed in. "These include touching faces, holding hands, and hugs." "And, sexual and arousal haptics are the most intimate form," Emily concluded. "There are many other contexts to haptics, like arm wrestling during play, slapping during physical conflict, and getting someone's attention during conversation," I informed my friends. "What about accidental touch, like bumping into someone?" Sarah asked. "Romantic interest means tapping somebody on the arm when saying something funny, and crossing legs and leaning toward the person so their legs touch occasionally, and romantic disinterest means scooting back, crossing your arms, and not acknowledging the touch," James pointed out. "Let's not forget hugs," Henri stated. "Now, let's move on to vocalics, which are the study of vocal qualities such as pitch, volume, rate, vocal quality, and verbal fillers," I informed my friends. "Pitch conveys meaning like sarcasm, regulates conversational flow, and communicates intensity of a message," Henri chimed in. "Volume communicates intensity, like how being loud shows you are intense, and so does TYPING IN ALL CAPS!" James added. "Rate is defined as how fast or slow someone speaks," Sarah pointed out. "Slow speakers bore others, while fast speakers are difficult to follow." "Repetition reinforces verbal and nonverbal cue, like saying 'I'm not sure', with an uncertain tone," Emily added. "Also, complementing elaborates or modifies verbal and nonverbal meaning, like the pitch and volume used to say something like, 'I love sweet potatoes', using sarcasm or to a certain degree," Emily continued. "Accenting is emphasizing certain parts of a message, like ' _She_ is my friend,', 'She is _my_ friend, or 'She is my _friend_ ," Sarah added. "Substituting is taking the place of other cues, like saying 'Uh-huh,'" James added. "Contradicting is saying something like 'I'm fine', in a quick, short tone," Henri chimed in. "Proxemics are the study of how space and distance influence communication," I explained to my friends. "Public space is formal and the least personal," Sarah added. "Social space includes both professional and casual interaction," James added. "Personal space is reserved for friends and significant others," Henri chimed in. "And, intimate space can be used for the closest people in your life, which can be annoying or frightening to others," Emily pointed out. "Finally, chronemics is the study of how time affects communication," I explained to my friends. "Biological chronemics include the rhythms of living things and circadian rhythm, such as early morning vs. late night conversations," Sarah added. "Personal chronemics include the way individuals experience time, like how time flies when you are having fun," James added. "Physical chronemics include fixed cycles of date, years, and seasons, like seasonal affective disorder," Henri chimed in. "And, cultural chronemics include how large groups view times," Emily pointed out. "An example of chronemics is the promptness and amount of time that is acceptable for lateness," Sarah pointed out, "like how doctors making patients wait is acceptable, but how interviewees making interviewers wait is unacceptable." "Another example of chronemics is conversational turns and turn-taking patterns, like how people dominating conversations is annoying," James added. "Also, how we look, what we wear, and what our environment looks like sends messages and influences how others interact with us," I informed my friends. "Our physical characteristics include our body shape, our height, our weight, our attractiveness, and our hygiene," James added. "The artifacts we wear, such as our clothes, jewelry, body art, and hairstyles, how men with short hair have more conversation than men with long hair but men with shaved heads are aggressive, and the ring on the ring finger of our left hand shows that we are married," Sarah pointed out. "Also, our environments, such as books on our coffee table, fresh flowers, mints on the pillows, fancy chairs, and soft lighting," Henri chimed in. "Now, I will share a time when I read your nonverbal communication correctly, and when I misread your nonverbal communication," I told my friends. "James, I misread your nonverbal communication when you were learning how to juggle and it looked like you were having fun." "I wasn't really having fun, Angel," James told me. "The concentrated look on my face, my knees bent, the quiet environment, and me juggling balls in the air over and over again indicated that I was frustrated and needed to keep trying harder." "However, Sarah," I told my best friend, "I read your nonverbal communication correctly when you and your brothers wore all black to school one day when you were trying to concentrate in the black classroom with all black objects. However, you tripped and fell in your high heels, and you had very obvious body language to show it, such as your head was down, your fingers were clenched, you were leaning forward, and your arms were crossed." "Good job, Angel," Sarah remarked. "You read my body language correctly." "Do you want to play body charades with us, or not, Emily?" I asked. "No offense, but I don't think you should be talking about my personal problems at work with your friends, Angel," Emily pointed out. "Can you guys just talk about moments from your childhood and try to improve on those, rather than interfere with my personal life?" "Okay, Emily," I agreed. "Just ask Michael and Erin then. They can help you out with anything." Pretty soon, it was time for us to leave. "Thanks for a great afternoon, everyone!" I thanked my friends. "Yeah, and thanks again for lunch," Emily added. "You're welcome, Angel," Sarah replied. "Bye, guys!" "Bye!"


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: Conversation Skills

On a cold first Saturday of February 2018, I met Sarah, James, and Henri at their apartment in Oakland. "Hi, guys!" I greeted my friends. "Hi, Angel!" Sarah greeted back. "My dad baked some banana bread and got some juice for us to eat and drink," James told me. "What are your parents still doing here?" I asked. "I thought they left after the documentary." "Well, in case we need anything," Sarah explained, "and they also have some videos to share with us for our discussion today." "Let me guess... are we talking about conversation skills today?" I asked. "That is what you said you wanted to work on, right, Angel?" James asked. "That's right," I reminded him. "I need to work on talking about appropriate things with you guys. You know, like things that we are both interested in." "Like banana bread and juice?" Henri asked. "Exactly, Henri," I stated. "That can be a conversation topic, but not the only conversation topic." I paused for a moment. "Now, what parts of having a conversation are easiest for you?" I asked after I took a bite of banana bread. "I would say starting a conversation," James replied, "by asking questions and making observations." "I would say any conversation related to my interests," Henri chimed in, "like food." Henri gobbled the last piece of banana bread and drank all the juice. "Henri!" James exclaimed. "I would say just talking to people in general," Sarah explained, "since I am more of a people person." "Okay," I agreed. "Now, what parts are the hardest for you?" "First of all, what do you mean by not always talking about appropriate things with us, Angel?" Sarah asked me. "I'm talking about things like maintaining a conversation, changing the subject, talking about the same thing over and over again, and ending a conversation," I explained. "Get it?" "I understand now," Sarah replied. "I have to try not to filibuster or dominate the conversations," Henri pointed out. "I need to learn to not have anxiety or accidentally say the wrong thing," Sarah added. "I feel like I always have to be the one who starts the conversation sometimes," "James stated. "Now, you guys need to know the four steps of communication: think about other people's thoughts and feelings as well as your own, establish physical presence and enter with your body attuned to the group, think with your eyes, and use your words to relate to others," I informed my friends. I cleared my throat. "To participate successfully in a communicative act, we have to take the perspectives of our communicative partner, so we are not set off by anything. Effective communication requires all participants to be thinking (most of the time) about the same topic or idea and for the thoughts to stay connected (even if not mutually agreed upon) throughout the communicative exchange." I paused for a second. "Henri, what happens if you are both thinking about different ideas or topics?" "You could get confused or become disinterested, could get annoyed, or couldn't have a conversation," Henri replied. "James, if you approach someone in a grocery store, what are some thoughts they might be having?" I asked James. "I would say what they're going to buy, where the items are in the store, how long will this take, what you'll make with the items, can I carry all these bags at one time since my mind could be wandering, while clerks could be thinking about how to pack the bags or other things that happened on the job that day," James pointed out. "Sarah, how might somebody's body language tell you how they are feeling or thinking before you even speak to them?" I asked Sarah. "If they are busy or occupied by talking to someone else or reading a book or they are slowly bending down, or someone walks away from you when you start talking," Sarah pointed out. We then acted out a scenario that regarded thinking about others, which involved James asking Betsy Radcliffe to the school dance when he was a teenager. I role played Betsy Radcliffe, while James played himself. "Effective communication typically requires people to stand about an arm's length of each other (physical proximity), and why were our conversations with Emily last week important?" I asked my friends. "Standing too close could violate people's boundaries," Henri replied. "It could make people uncomfortable, anxious, or angry," James pointed out. "It might make people not want to be around me," Sarah replied. "But effective communication also relates to having a physical stance or posture that conveys emotional calm and willingness to participate. However, it is important to convey a calm, welcoming presence because it makes people more likely to talk to you. Now, how can we portray that with our bodies?" "By leaning back, standing tall, smiling, and open arms," Sarah replied. "By walking slowly (but not too slowly) and your voice (not yelling, but not too soft)," James added. "By keeping your distance and not getting in their face," Henri replied. We then acted out a scenario that regarded establishing a physical presence, which involved Nathan, a boy from Sarah's 8th grade history class, approaching Sarah for help studying in a chaotic way. I role played Nathan, while Sarah played herself. "'Think with your eyes' means to use your eyes enough to monitor how people are feeling and what they may be thinking based on what they are looking at during social encounters," I informed my friends. I paused for a second. "Sarah, what types of things are we monitoring with our eyes?" "I would say eye contact, body language and what their hands are reaching for, the environment, and verbal cues for tracking conversation," Sarah replied. "Monitoring with our eyes doesn't mean staring or always looking away. It's a balance between the two. James, what might people think if you are staring directly at them for long periods of time?" "You might be crazy, zoning out, or you really like them," James replied. "Henri, what might people think if you never look at them when they're talking?" I asked Henri. "You're lying, you don't like them, you're not interested, or it might make them crazy," Henri replied. James's dad brought in a home movie of the school dance at James's high school for a practice exercise on thinking with our eyes. A student in James's grade named Udney was entering the conversation related to the way he used his eyes in many ways, like watching them occasionally with his phone to the group, which was less obvious, waited to enter in the conversation at the appropriate moment and smiled as he approached, and looked at the person he was approaching. Once he was a part of the conversation, his eyes signaled he was a part of the conversation by focusing and following the conversation with his eyes. "Language is the way we share our thoughts with others. Just as in the first step, we try to keep our thoughts connected while communicating together, we also must keep our language connected to whatever is being discussed," I informed my friends. I paused for a second. "Henri, how might others perceive us if we start talking about something unrelated to the conversation at hand?" "We might be crazy, obnoxious, or not interested in what we are talking about," Henri replied. "James, what are some ways that we can engage with the conversation at hand?" "We could ask a question, share our experience, or make a comment about what someone said," James suggested. "Sarah, when is it okay to change the subject?" I asked Sarah. "If there is a lull, or when someone talks about something uncomfortable, you can ask if you can talk about something else," Sarah suggested, "and we can transition the conversation into another topic by asking or commenting about something semi-related." James's dad resumed the home video of the school dance, first with a bad moment from Udney, and finally, a good moment where he joined the conversation by commenting on a specific like that he had in common with someone else and addressing his first thought to the person who just spoke because that was his segway into the conversation. "Now, let's talk about leaving a conversation," I continued. "Henri, what are some nonverbal signals that indicate someone might want to leave a conversation?" I asked Henri. "Their eyes might harden, if they don't look at you, they start fidgeting by looking at their phone, or they are looking past you," Henri replied. "James, what are some verbal signals that indicate someone might want to leave a conversation?" I asked James. "When they say they need to leave, or things like 'Excuse me', or 'I've gotta go,'" James replied. "Sarah, should I interrupt someone in the middle of a conversation to say I need to leave, ask when I can leave the conversation, or just walk away?" I asked Sarah. "No," Sarah replied. "Then, what should I do?" "You should wait for the lull in conversation, then say 'excuse me,'", Sarah suggested. Then, James's dad and Sarah's mom arrived in the room, and we watched a home video on Sarah getting tutored for her 8th grade history exam by a kid named John. First was a bad scenario with the infamous guy named Nathan where he didn't think about what Sarah and John were thinking or feeling by just immediately talking about Mr. Bean, who they did not know about. Nathan just arrived in the classroom, waiting impatiently while bringing his phone to sit down. Nathan just interrupted their study session. Nathan's words were not related to the conversation at all, as Mr. Bean was not a famous person in history. Sarah and John did not know what Nathan was talking about, so they went back to studying. Next was a good scenario where Nathan watched how closely Sarah and John were studying. He established a physical presence by paying attention and getting involved in their studying. He monitored the conversation with their eyes by watching for breaks in between the study session. He used their words to relate to their conversations by talking about what they were studying. Then, Sarah and John felt welcome to have Nathan as their study partner. We came to conclusion that the 4 steps of communication were helpful because they helped keep our conversation on track, people did not think we were weird, people would understand us better, and that the conversations would make sense. When a situation became too much, we would excuse ourselves by either leaving the room or changing the subject. "Welcome to our discussions, Mrs. Phillips and Mr. Hiller," I warmly welcomed. "Are you guys having a good day today?" Pretty soon, it was time for me to leave. "Thanks for a great day, everyone!" I thanked my friends. "You're welcome, Angel," Sarah replied. "Bye, guys!" "Bye!"


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: Formal versus Informal Communication

On a mild second Saturday of February 2018, my childhood friends Sarah, James, and Henri met me at my mom's apartment in Highland Park. "Hi, guys!" I greeted my friends. "Hi, Angel!" Sarah greeted back. "We were trying to find a good Chinese restaurant around here," James told me, "but there was one called the Smiling Banana Leaf. Does that count?" "Not really, James," I replied. "That restaurant serves Thai food." "However, I made strawberry hearts in honor of Valentine's Day coming up," Sarah told me. "Mmm, that sounds yummy!" I stated. "Is it okay if I make some Chinese food, Angel?" James asked me. "Sure," I replied. "We should have these treats every Valentine's Day, Sarah," Henri stated. James brought out some sweet and sour chicken that he made. "I like how the four of us communicate with each other about the holidays," I told my friends, "especially Valentine's Day, since that shows love for our family and friends." I paused for a moment. "And speaking of which, there were many other occasions during our childhood that we can talk about. This is where formal and informal communication come into play." "You're right, Angel," Henri told me. "Unfortunately, when I was younger, I couldn't tell which was which." "I could give you some settings from our lives, and you can tell me whether they were formal or informal," I told my friends. "Work, lunch with friends, in the classroom, in the cafeteria, a party, a wedding, the bus, the comic book shop, a theme park, a grocery store, in the breakroom at work, and lunch with your extended family." "Work is formal," Sarah replied. "Lunch with friends is informal," Henri replied. "In the classroom can go either way," James pointed out. "Like how before and after the professor comes in is informal, but after the professor comes in, it becomes formal." "In the cafeteria is informal," Henri added. "A party can be either, depending on the people who are having the party," James stated. "Same with a wedding," Sarah agreed. "It can be either, depending on the people who are having the wedding." "The bus, the comic book shop, a theme park, and in the breakroom at work are all informal," Henri chimed in. "A grocery store depends on if you are working there, or not," James pointed out. "Lunch with your extended family depends on the people who are at the lunch or the event you are attending," Sarah added. "Okay then," I agreed. "Now, I will give you three occasions that I remember, and you can tell me whether they are formal or informal: Molly's Sweet 16 party, handing out candy on Halloween, and your upcoming Valentine's Day plans." "To me, Molly's Sweet 16 party was formal, because I didn't know any of the guests at the party that James went to high school with, and they were all dressed more formally than I was," Sarah told me. "It was the same with handing out candy on Halloween to younger kids," James pointed out, "since I didn't know any of the younger kids." "It would be a different story if those were your neighbors, James," I reminded him. "Some of those people were actually my neighbors," James remembered. "So, it would actually be informal," I pointed out. "Also, according to you, James, Molly's Sweet 16 party was informal since you knew most of those kids and went to school with them, unlike Sarah and me." "Yes, and we weren't invited," Sarah reminded me. "I remember Halloween, but not the Sweet 16 party because I was too young back then," Henri remembered. "As far as I remember, Halloween would be either, depending on who you spend it with." "What are your plans for Valentine's Day?" I asked my friends. "Going to the Grand Concourse with Robert for a romantic dinner," Sarah replied. "That's formal." "Helping the Woodland Hills School with their annual Valentine's Day party," James replied. "That's also formal." "Making cards for my friends and family," Henri replied. "That's informal." "Good," I agreed. "Now, how can you tell the difference between formal and informal settings?" I asked. "How well you know the people," James replied. "Like at Molly's Sweet 16 party, I knew the people well, so it was informal. If they were more distant family and friends, however, the party would have been formal, just like how you and Sarah perceived the party to be." "I would say who the people are, like your boss versus your friends," Henri replied, "like who I am making Valentine's Day cards for." "The clothes people are wearing, whether they are fancy or casual," Sarah pointed out, "like how people dressed at Molly's Sweet 16 party. I was one of the few people wearing jeans at the party." "The demeanor and behavior of the other people, and following their lead," Henri chimed in, "like handing out candy to younger kids on Halloween, and following you, James, and Sarah's instructions on what and what not to do." "Where you are, like if you are at somebody's house, it can be informal, but if you are at a nice restaurant, it is formal," Sarah added, "like my plans on Valentine's Day with Robert are formal because we are going out to a nice restaurant. But, if I were hanging out at his house, the date would be informal." Sarah paused for a second. "Speaking of which, I need to find a nice outfit to wear before then!" "Let's not forget what we are doing, like laser tag, which can be informal, or a dinner party, which is formal," James added, "like if I am handing out candy to kids on Halloween, it is formal, but if I am trick-or-treating myself or watching a scary Halloween movie on TV, it is informal." "What is nonverbal communication like in formal and informal settings?" I asked. "Let's start with formal." "Using your silverware the correct way, sitting up and not slouching, and not putting your head on the table, and saying that I am so bored," Henri replied. "Keeping your body functions in control, keeping business distance, and not drinking too much," James pointed out. "Keeping body odor in check and dressing for the occasion, shaking hands, or bowing or kissing cheeks in other countries," Sarah added. "Great," I agreed. "What about informal settings?" "More lax, and being comfortable by sitting and standing in a more relaxed way," Henri replied. "You can be louder and get involved in fist bumping," James pointed out. "The amount of touch, like hugging, if whoever you are hugging is comfortable with it," Sarah added. "Okay," I agreed. "Now, what is verbal communication like in formal and informal settings?" I asked. "Again, let's start with formal." "Using refined language like please and thank you," Henri replied. "Definitely avoid swearing," Sarah added. "Formal greetings like 'hello, sir', or 'hello, miss'," James pointed out. "Good," I agreed. "What about informal settings?" "You can use slang or Pittsburghese," James replied. "You can swear," Sarah added. "You can sing," Henri chimed in. "Or, you can use informal greetings," I told my friends. "Like, what's poppin'?" James asked. "Wuzz up?" Henri asked. "How's it hangin'?" Sarah asked. "I think you guys get the idea," I stated, laughing. "Now, what are some topics that are appropriate to talk about in each setting?" "In formal settings, you can talk about culture like arts or architecture, how your day is or how things are going, what you have been up to, jobs, or the company," Sarah replied. "In both settings, you can talk about the weather, personal events, like at formal events, you do not tell too much, and how at informal events, you can share more and poke fun, the news, like at formal events, you do not tell too much, and how at informal events, you can share more, and even pets," James added. "At informal events, you can talk about movies or books, sports, interests, the news, and your life by sharing more details and more emotion is involved," Henri chimed in. "Now, what are some topics that are not appropriate to talk about in each setting?" I asked my friends. "In formal settings, you cannot talk about religion, politics, body functions, certain jokes, your whole life story, deep secrets, how much money you make, or addictions," Sarah replied. "In informal settings, you cannot talk about religion and politics depending on who you are around, how much money you make depending on the context, addictions, or private information, like your social security number or bank account number," James added. "I also want to tell you about going out and visiting neighborhoods," I told my friends. "My top 5 neighborhoods that I enjoy visiting include Squirrel Hill, Shadyside, Highland Park, Polish Hill, and Regent Square, but I try to stay away from neighborhoods like the North Side, Lincoln-Lemington-Belmar, the Hill District, downtown Pittsburgh after dark, and Homewood." "I am familiar with most of those neighborhoods, Angel," James pointed out. "Carly and Alex live in Squirrel Hill, you guys thought about having apartments in Shadyside and Highland Park, Carly's relatives live in Polish Hill, and Alex's relatives live in Regent Square," I remembered. "That's great, Angel," Sarah told me. "You remembered." "What are some safety tips that I should keep in mind when I am out in the community?" I asked my friends. "Before you go, make sure your phone is charged, take some money with you, tell someone where you're going, tell whoever you're going to see when you leave, and you can go with a group," James replied. "While you're out, carry pepper spray, don't take dark alleys, stay on well-lit roads, call someone if you're walking along, and be careful with who you talk to, including paying attention to body language, and verbal cues," Henri chimed in. "But, if something happens, go to a crowded, public space like a restaurant, store, or gas station, ask for help from a public space by telling them what is happening or using their phones, or call someone you trust or the police," Sarah added. "Great job, guys," I praised my friends. My cat, Mattie was watching us. I abruptly picked her up and hugged her. "Angel, why do you keep mistreating your cat like that?" Sarah asked me. "I just love her so much," I replied. "You should show it in a different way," Sarah told me. "Anyway, I know you are going to have a good time on Valentine's Day," I told my friends. Pretty soon, it was time for my friends to leave. "Thanks for a great evening, guys!" I thanked my friends. "You're welcome, Angel," Sarah replied. "Bye, guys!" "Bye!"


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6: Dating and Safety

One cold third Saturday of February 2018, my childhood friends Sarah, James, and Henri met me at my mom's apartment in Highland Park. "Hi, guys!" I greeted my friends. "Hi, Angel!" Sarah greeted back. "How was everybody's Valentine's Day?" I asked. "Everybody at work loved the Valentine's Day cards that I made for them," Henri told me. "The Woodland Hills Valentine's Day party was a blast," James added. "I did a good job organizing the games and the food." Sarah began to burst into tears. "Sarah, what's wrong?" I asked my best friend. "Did you not have a good Valentine's Day, or what?" "Not really," Sarah stated, crying. "My boyfriend, Robert broke up with me on the most romantic day of the year." "Aw, it's okay, Sarah," I comforted her. "Dating is not super easy." I paused for a second. "That is also something that I would like to talk with you guys about- dating," I continued, "while we have a nice yummy dinner of lightened bacon cheeseburgers, sweet potatoes, and beer!" "Does it really have to be burgers and fries?" Sarah asked. "I would much rather have what I ate at the Grand Concourse- chicken with potatoes and asparagus!" "No wonder you're dressed so formally," Henri pointed out. "Yeah, why are you so dressed up, Sarah?" James asked. "It's not Valentine's Day anymore, remember?" "I wanted to try and get Robert back," Sarah explained tearfully, "because he was such a good boyfriend for me!" Sarah broke down again. "I think we should look back at other particular boyfriends and girlfriends that you guys had during your teenage years, and then we can talk more about the importance of dating these people," I suggested. "Well, Benedict was another great boyfriend for me as a teenager... until he had drinking problems," Sarah remembered. "I remember Sybil was the best girlfriend I ever had back in high school," James remembered. "Now, let's talk more about Sybil and Benedict," I continued, "and exactly what role they had in your dating stories. First off, what exactly are the biggest challenges for you related to dating?" "Finding someone attracted to me and interested in the same things," Henri replied. "Starting the conversation," Sarah replied. "Being interested in dating," James replied. "Fearing that the person might have a dark side," Henri chimed in. "Looking your best," Sarah added. "Knowing what you are looking for, as well as past experiences," James added. "Getting ready for and wanting to go on a date," Henri chimed in. "Sometimes, I have anxiety about saying the wrong thing," Sarah pointed out. "Okay," I agreed. "Now, what aspects of dating do you guys find the least intimidating?" "Once I find someone I am interested in who is compatible with me," Sarah explained, "like when I met Benedict in my science class and he helped me look good for my school picture, along with Henri." "When Sybil and I were agreeing on something to do," James explained, "then things were fine. I asked her to go out for a burger and fries at the local diner in Freeport." "Benedict helped me find a good outfit for School Picture Day," Sarah explained. "I am so sorry that I fretted over looking good for my school picture, Angel," James apologized. "That's okay, James," I stated. "Although, I bet you were trying to impress a lot of girls your age so they could remember you by your cute looks." "Thanks again for helping me!" James thanked me. "You're welcome, James," I replied. "Thank you for helping me, Henri," Sarah stated. "You're welcome," Henri replied. "I'm so lucky that I have an adorable older stepsister like you." Sarah smiled at that. "Now, what are some places and situations that it is appropriate to meet someone, and why?" I asked my friends. "Waiting in line for something, like how I met Benedict in the science lab for my experiment," Sarah replied. "I would say public places like restaurants and shopping malls," Henri replied. "I have never dated girls before, so I wouldn't really know!" "At school, which was how I met Sybil," James replied. "Keep in mind that she is just one year younger than me. Also, a 'set up' depending on who is setting you up." "You can also meet people through dating websites, but be careful," Sarah pointed out. "What about conventions and gyms?" Henri asked. "Yes, Henri," I agreed. "Now, what are some places or situations where it is not appropriate to meet someone, and why?" "The workplace is not appropriate to meet people," James pointed out. "I would say most parties, especially fraternity and college parties," Henri chimed in. "Definitely not the bar, and whenever alcohol is in the mix," Sarah added, sighing, "which was how I lost my dream boyfriend." "How should you guys approach someone you are interested in meeting?" "Before I approached Sybil, I checked myself to make sure that I was presentable, smiled, read her body language to see what she was doing, and thought about what to say," James replied. "When I approached Benedict, I made sure to do so in a relaxed and friendly manner, thought about how close I was when I approached, and spoke in a clear, concise way with a moderate volume," Sarah added. "To start the conversation, I could say things like 'Hi, how are you', or 'How's it goin', or comment on something we have in common like what they are doing or wearing, or compliment, but not on their body or physical appearance," Henri chimed in. "What types of non-verbals show hat someone is interested in you romantically?" I asked. "Sybil leaned in and waved in a friendly way," James replied. "Benedict touched my arm and played with my hair right before I got my picture taken," Sarah added. "Basically just eye contact," Henri chimed in. "What types of verbal cues show that someone is interested in you romantically?" I asked. "If they share more details," Henri replied. "Sybil was more casual in conversation and made a bold statement with me," James pointed out. "Benedict made a commitment to go out for pizza with me on School Picture Day, but offered other days to go out if he couldn't, like the middle school dance with me later that week," Sarah added. "Now, what types of non-verbals show that someone is not interested in you romantically?" I asked my friends. "If they look away when talking to you," Henri replied. "If they keep a lot of distance between us," James pointed out. "Or, if they look irritated with their body language and facial expressions," Sarah added. "What types of verbal cues show that someone is not interested in you romantically?" I asked my friends. "If they avoid making commitments, or make a lot of excuses," Sarah replied, "which was actually what Benedict did after he helped me with my school picture." "If they make a bold statement," Henri chimed in. "Or, if they didn't give alternatives or keep the conversation going," James added, "which was actually what Sybil did a few weeks after we became a perfect couple." James sighed. "Let's just face it, Sarah," he continued. "You and I are just meant to be single people. It's sad how I am almost 30 and I still am not married yet!" Sarah sighed. "I just want my Robert back," she gloomily stated, "and my yummy, healthy dinner with a great big piece of carrot cake for dessert." "Now that you mention it, Sarah," I pointed out, "my mom just left us a big piece of carrot cake in the refrigerator that we can all share. Would you like that?" "Sure," Sarah happily replied. While I got the carrot cake out, Sarah hooked up her iPod to the radio and played some music. The song playing was the salsa section of _Fiesta de los Toros_ , which we heard last year at the summer concert. "Mmm, this carrot cake is so yummy," James stated. "This music is quite stimulating, yet very relaxing," Sarah pointed out. "And, that's why we all love this music so much," I agreed. Sarah and James then hugged each other. Henri gave a face palm. "My older stepbrother and stepsister dating?" he asked. "How creepy!" "Henri's right, Sarah," James agreed. "We ought to find a boyfriend and girlfriend again, so we are not single." "Angel, how can we do that?" Sarah asked me. "Well, what do you guys think?" I asked. "After interacting with someone multiple times and getting to know them really well," James replied, "which was what I should have done with Sybil." "After building up the relationship a bit by getting to know the person's interests, background, and views," Sarah added, "which was what I should have done with Benedict." "I should have not asked Sybil out when she was in class, like I accidentally did," James pointed out, "or if the girl is at a movie, at a funeral, or drunk." "When they are on a date with someone else, or without knowing them at all," Henri chimed in. "If Benedict was my complete opposite but he was attractive, I definitely made a big mistake asking him out," Sarah pointed out. "Burgers, fries, carrot cake, beer, salsa music... now, all of a sudden, dating sounds like fun!" Henri happily exclaimed. "It also depends on the neighborhood you are in," I pointed out. "It would make a difference if someone took you out on a date to awesome neighborhoods like Squirrel Hill, Shadyside, Highland Park, Polish Hill, or Regent Square, over horrible neighborhoods like the North Side, Lincoln-Lemington-Belmar, the Hill District, downtown Pittsburgh after dark, or Homewood." "But, what about sporting events like baseball games, football games, or hockey games?" Henri asked. "They take place in the North Side and the Hill District." "Okay then, but otherwise, stay away from those neighborhoods," I advised. "There are lots of other great restaurants in those other 5 neighborhoods for food like we are eating, like Murray Avenue Grill in Squirrel Hill, BRGR in Shadyside, Park Bruges in Highland Park, Rock Room in Polish Hill, or D's Six Pax and Dogz in Regent Square." I paused for a second. "Speaking of which, what are some safety tips for dating?" I asked my friends. "Keep track of your drink and food," Henri replied. "Make sure someone knows when, where, and who you are going out with," Sarah added. "Make sure your cell phone is charged," James added. "Get to know the person you are going with, and go somewhere public with other people around," Sarah added. "Have your own transportation," James added. "Bring pepper spray," Henri chimed in. "Great discussion, guys," I praised my friends. "Now, what other aspects of dating topics would you like to discuss?" "Social anxiety," Sarah replied. "Not being a stalker," James added. He sighed. "I remember how Sybil used to love fast food," James remembered. "McDonald's, Wendy's, Burger King, you name it!" "And, I remember how Benedict used to love salsa music," Sarah added. "The truth is, I was probably a little underdressed for my school picture. I should have worn that red strawberry sundress with a jean jacket over top, because Benedict would have loved me more even though it was a little bit inappropriate." My cat, Mattie was watching us again. I abruptly picked her up and squeezed her, and she hissed at me right in front of my friends. "Angel, why do you keep hurting your cat?" Sarah asked me in a frustrating tone of voice. "It's not very nice." "But, I love her," I told Sarah. "I just think that she's so cute I want to pounce on her." "For the millionth time, show you love her in a different way," Sarah told me. Pretty soon, it was time for my friends to leave. "Thanks for a great dinner and evening, everyone!" I thanked my friends. "You're welcome, Angel," Sarah replied. "Bye, guys!" "Bye!"


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7: Humor

On a rainy last Saturday of February 2018, my childhood friends Sarah, James, and Henri met me at my mom's apartment in Highland Park. "Hi, guys!" I greeted my friends. "Hi, Angel!" Sarah greeted back. I was serving fried chicken for dinner and cheesecake for dessert. "Mmm, fried chicken and cheesecake," Henri remarked. "That looks yummy!" "Chicken and cheese... what a remarkable joke!" I remembered. "That is a funny joke," James remarked. "We've had quite our share of jokes over the years." "Oh yeah, my joke about us playing football in the backyard and wanting to be just like the Steelers," Henri remembered. "And, my joke of you looking like a supermodel when I did your hair and nails," Sarah added. "Not to mention, I remember "chicken and cheese" as a choice on a history test just for a joke once," I remembered. "That is funny, Angel," James remarked. "Humor is one of the best things about our relationship together," I stated, "and the purpose of humor is to have fun. What other purposes does humor serve?" "To cheer people up and take a break from reality," Henri remarked. "I think that humor breaks the ice," James added. "We can also make a connection with others using humor," Sarah pointed out. "Can you tell the same jokes with your friends and your boss?" I asked. "It depends on how close you are with your boss and their personality," Sarah replied. "How close you are to them, as well as the setting and time," James added. "The joke and the relationship you have with them," Henri chimed in. "Are there certain types of jokes that don't make sense all the time?" I asked Sarah and James. "If they are offensive or hot topic jokes that poke fun of someone," James replied. "Obscure topics," Sarah added. "What types of jokes are okay all the time?" I asked Henri. "One that doesn't require the listener to know the content, like knock-knock jokes and riddles," Henri replied. "My sense of humor is defined as how much I laugh about and appreciate humors, is said to be related to how well I cope with stress and difficulties, and it also plays an important role in social interaction," I explained. "But, style of humor includes the ways in which individuals differ in their use of humor in their everyday life, also in several different styles," I continued. "Styles of humor include affiliative humor, which involves telling jokes about things that everyone might find funny, like jokes about animals or everyday occurrences, self-enhancing humor, which is being able to laugh at yourself, such as making a joke when something bad has happened to you, like laughing when you trip, aggressive humor, which involves put-downs or insults targeted toward individuals, like when comedians make fun of people in the audience, and self-defeating humor, which involves putting yourself down in an aggressive or 'poor me' fashion, like saying that I was an ugly baby," I told my friends. "When I said that I felt trapped in a relationship with myself as I looked at my curly hairstyle in the mirror, that was self-defeating humor because I was simply admiring myself," Sarah remembered. "I remember telling you that you were my favorite person to be socially awkward with," I added, "and that was affiliative humor, as many of our other inside jokes during our 'just-us-girl-time' moments were." "When I said that I accidentally wore a red polo shirt to Target as I was looking for Steelers merchandise," James remembered, "that was self-enhancing humor, but I changed into a gold polo shirt and black jeans for our football game." "When I told you that I wished you were a piñata, James," Henri remembered, "that was aggressive humor, and you ended up getting hurt as a result of me accidentally hitting you in the arm with a football." "Good examples, guys," I praised my friends. "Now, let's talk about sarcasm," I continued. "Sarcasm is a remark made mockingly, ironically, or in bitter contempt so as to show some foolishness on the part of the interlocutor, could be construed as being genuine, because they are often appropriate to the situation on a superficial level, but in fact are meant to be taken in the opposite way, and the speaker's vocal or physical cues are usually necessary to signal the sarcasm, such as accompanying a statement by rolling one's eyes or speaking with a specific tone. Can you give me some examples from this past week?" "When I went to work and, instead of beginning to work, I started to check my e-mail and surf online. My boss noticed and told me not to work too hard," Henri replied. "What did he mean?" I asked. "I was not really doing my job, but instead, I was fooling around," Henri explained. "I was standing on the curb when Henri walked by and tripped and dropped my backpack. I told him I dropped his backpack and said no. While picking up all my stuff, I thanked Henri for all his help, and it meant that he really didn't help much. Instead, he just watched me look like an idiot cleaning up," James explained. "I arrived at work, and my student, Charlotte politely asked me how work was, and I told her it was as much fun as a root canal, meaning that I didn't really like working at Woodland Hills in Wexford," Sarah explained. "When you identify sarcasm, you need to listen to the phrase, figure out if it makes sense, but if not, consider the surroundings of the phrase and if it makes sense in that context, and if you cannot figure it out, ask the speaker what they mean," I explained to my friends. "An inside joke is a joke that is shared exclusively by a small group of people," I explained. "By the nature of the definition, will everyone find these jokes funny? Why or why not?" "No because they don't make sense to everyone else and they are out of loop," Sarah replied, "although like you said before, we shared so many of those jokes as kids and still do today." "How can you tell if something is an inside joke?" I asked. "When a few people are laughing and you do not understand it, and you would also have to have a shared experience to understand the joke," James replied. "When is a good time to bring up inside jokes, and why?" I asked. "It depends on who you are with, and it is most effective when you are with a small group of people who understand the joke," Henri replied. "Our inside jokes that we remember from our childhood include the chicken and cheese joke, of course, and the fist of solidarity, something else that you guys taught me in my tween years," I reminded everyone. "What should you think about before telling a joke?" "Who you are telling the joke to, like a friend, boss, or parent, and what you know about this person," Sarah replied. "What they might think about the joke, with influencing factors like background including age, race, and upbringing, and political affiliation," James added. "Your surroundings, like kids near, bathroom jokes in a restaurant, or informal jokes in a formal place," Henri chimed in. "Let's not forget your volume level," I added. "Now, we can talk about how to tell a joke 'landed'," I explained. "How did the person react?" "They smiled and laughed," Henri replied. "Even if they did laugh, does that always mean they thought it was funny?" I asked. "No because it could be sarcasm by things like physical tones and cue," James replied. "What else might laughing mean?" I asked. "Something is not funny, but they are being polite, and it can also mean that they are nervous or uncomfortable," Sarah replied. "Is there a right or wrong way to respond to humor?" I asked. "Usually there is not," Henri replied. "What if someone says something that is not funny?" I asked. "I would politely laugh," James replied. "What if someone says something offensive?" I asked. "You can leave or let them know you don't like their joke, without being confrontational like saying how I don't find that funny," Sarah replied. My cat, Mattie was watching us. She came up to me, and I gently patted her on the head. "It is also not funny to tease and mistreat my cat because I love her," I pointed out. "Why were you being so strict with me last week, Sarah?" "Because it is wrong to hurt animals like that, since somebody can take your pet away if you do not treat them right," Sarah told me. "You don't want that now, do you?" "No, I don't," I replied. "I have another question for you guys: since park season is coming up, which public park do you guys prefer: Schenley Park or Frick Park, and why?" "We prefer Schenley Park since it is a bigger park and there is a lot more to do, like an ice-skating rink, a swimming pool, a golf course, and the disc golf course that we spend time at every summer," Sarah told me. "It is also closer to our apartment building than Frick Park is." Pretty soon, it was time for my friends to leave. "Thanks for a great evening, guys!" I thanked my friends. "You're welcome, Angel," Sarah replied. "Bye, guys!" "Bye!"


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8: Assertiveness and Avoiding Confrontation

One cold first Saturday morning of March 2018, I met my childhood friends Sarah, James, and Henri at their apartment in Oakland. "Hi, guys!" I greeted my friends. "Hi, Angel!" James greeted back. "How would you like some tasty whole-grain waffles for breakfast?" "Of course, James," I happily replied. "I would love that!" We all sat down at the table to eat breakfast. "Mmm, thanks for the waffles, James," Henri thanked. "You're welcome, Henri," James replied. "Wait a minute, where's Sarah?" I asked. "She's still getting ready for our religious luncheon at the Lutheran University Center," James explained. "Why, what happened?" I asked in a concerned tone of voice. "She overslept this morning because she is still getting over her troubles with Robert." Sarah then entered the kitchen into her bathrobe and slippers, sobbing. "I can't believe Robert never called me back or anything," Sarah stated tearfully. "It's been two weeks already." "Give the situation some time to heal, Sarah," I advised my friend. "I like you as a friend, and you are one of my best friends in the whole wide world, but you do need to work on being more assertive with people." "Again, what does it mean to be assertive, Angel?" Sarah asked. "Well Sarah, if you're assertive, you can honestly express your thoughts and opinions in a way that is respectful of other people's thoughts, feelings, or wants," I explained. "What if I don't want to be assertive, Angel?" Sarah asked. "If you're not assertive, then you are either passive, meaning not expressing your needs and letting others dictate your actions, passive-aggressive, meaning expressing your needs in a round-about, such as using sarcasm, or aggressive, meaning strongly expressing your needs without taking the other person's feelings, needs, or wants into conversation." "Again, why is being assertive important when communicating?" Sarah asked me. "Well, because you are more likely to get what you want when you are assertive," I told Sarah. "You are less likely to be 'walked all over'," Henri chimed in. "Assertiveness establishes boundaries in relationships," James pointed out. I then gave Sarah a practice quiz that determined whether she was assertive, or not. The questions determined whether she was comfortable meeting new people in social situations, she was able to say no without feeling guilty or anxious, she could express strong feelings such as anger, frustration, or disappointment, she could easily request help and information from others, she felt capable of learning new things and performing new tasks, she was able to acknowledge and take responsibility for her own mistakes, she could discuss her beliefs without judging those who did not agree with me, she was able to express her honest opinions to others, even if they did not agree, she told others when their behavior was not acceptable to her, she could speak confidently in group situations, she believed her needs were as important as those of others and should be considered, she could assert her beliefs even when the majority disagreed with her, she could express anger or disappointment without blaming others, she was comfortable delegating tasks to others, and she valued her own experience and wisdom. We all discovered that Sarah was more assertive than she thought she was, especially since she answered "yes" to most of the questions. "Let's all share a time when we were assertive," I instructed my friends. "To start things off, I was assertive with my stepmom when she said bad things about my real mom." "I was assertive with my brothers on my birthday when they were showing me embarrassing photos from my childhood," Sarah shared with us. "My dad did the same thing to me on my birthday with the embarrassing childhood pictures," James agreed. "I was assertive with him, too." "When I worked with others in a group back in second grade and not everybody agreed with me, I was assertive towards my group members, as well," Henri stated. "Now, those are all great times to be assertive," I agreed with my friends. "Now, what are some barriers to being assertive? For one thing, the people you are around could possibly make it difficult for you to be assertive." "Being a control freak and my emotions, which was what happened with another old boyfriend of mine, Benedict," Sarah explained tearfully. "I was passive towards him when he got suspended from middle school for drinking too much alcohol and quite aggressive towards you guys by not wanting to see or spend time with you guys anymore! And, I definitely don't feel like talking with you guys right now!" Sarah then broke down into tears. "Are you okay, Sarah?" James asked his younger stepsister. "Do you need to take a break and get dressed?" "No, James," I disagreed. "It is important for Sarah to learn this stuff." "Okay then," James agreed. "Well, I would say not knowing how to communicate and being afraid of disagreeing with a superior could make it hard for someone to be assertive." "I would say things like peer pressure and past experiences of being assertive and them not going well could interfere with your ability to be assertive towards others," Henri chimed in. "Okay," I agreed with my friends. "Now, we need to learn the 4 steps of being assertive, which include an empathy statement, saying how you feel, using when or because, and saying what you need or would like or wish." I paused for a second. "The empathy statement shows the other person that you are trying to see things from their point of view and/or that you appreciate them, and also helps them listen to what else you have to say, like saying something like 'I know you work really hard to provide for our family...'. To say how you feel, start by expressing how you feel about the behavior, stick to one of the five or six basic emotions, use 'frustrated' sparingly as it loses its meaning if spoken too frequently, like saying something like 'But I feel angry...'. To say when, tell the person what specifically bothers you about the behavior or the situation 'when...' and how their behavior affects you 'because...', like saying something like 'when you come home from work and don't help out with the chores, because I'm tired too and need your help'. To say what you need or would like or wish, just remember that 'I need' has nothing to do with being selfish, but it means giving listeners a clear signal of what you want them to do differently, so they have an opportunity to change, like saying something like 'I'd like it if you would help do the chores while I make dinner.' Now, let's practice being assertive." "How can we practice being assertive, Angel?" Sarah asked me. "Well, do you remember a situation during your bad week at school with Benedict?" "Well, Mom wanted me to help her sort through items she wanted to sell at a garage sale. I had planned to spend the evening relaxing, taking a soothing bath, and just lounging around because I have had a rough week at school," Sarah remembered. "What exactly did you do and say?" I asked. "I told Mom that I understood how much she really wanted the garage cleaned out, and I felt exhausted and grumpy, just like when I needed help with stuff like my schoolwork, which couldn't always get done right away, and that I would like it if I had an evening to myself resting, relaxing, and trying to free my mind of all the stresses at school with Benedict and his drug problems." "Going back to your birthday celebration, how exactly were you assertive with James and Henri?" I asked. "I told them how they wanted to have fun was okay, but I felt embarrassed since most of those moments were not particularly funny, and when their parents showed them embarrassing childhood photos, they did not exactly find them all that hilarious, either, and that I would like it if they stopped ruining my special day with embarrassing, unfunny childhood photos," Sarah told me. "Now, I don't understand how you were assertive with us at your birthday party, but passive with Benedict and aggressive with us when he got suspended from drinking too much alcohol!" "It's a long story," Sarah told me. "I'll tell you later." "Now, let's talk about confrontation, like how you would know if there is about to be a confrontation, by thinking of the steps of communication," I continued. "Someone's tone and volume," Henri replied. "If they stand up and charge you," James added. "Their facial expressions like glaring, ruffled eyebrows, showing their teeth or stiffed lips, or language they are using," Sarah pointed out. "Now, is confrontation always avoidable?" I asked. "No because it's a two-way street," Sarah replied, "and people have different viewpoints and ways they know how to communicate." "What are some ways that you have handled confrontation in the past?" I asked. "With physical or verbal fights," Henri replied. "By walking away and using words to communicate I need space," James replied. "By ignoring it and going with what they want," Henri replied. "Although, I would like to get better at many things regarding confrontation," Sarah stated. "Here are some tips for how to handle confrontation: remember that all feelings are okay to have, separate your feelings about what someone is doing from your feelings about the person, use empathy before you begin to approach conflict, walk away if you need to calm down, remember to listen, not just talk, and try to see the same person as on the same 'side'," I advised my friend. "I feel ready to go out and face the world with my assertiveness," Sarah stated boldly, taking off her bathrobe and slippers. Sarah was dressed in a black silk halter dress with matching black high-heeled shoes, and her hair was nicely done. "What do you say we end our meeting a little early to go to the Lutheran University Center to have lunch now?" I proudly asked. "Sure," James replied. We then drove to the Lutheran University Center to have lunch. There was cobb salad, cheese ravioli, halushki, and Italian green beans to eat. Sarah ran into her old boyfriend, Robert, and thought about what she was going to say before she said it. "Hi, Robert," Sarah greeted. "You can do it, Sarah," I happily cheered on my best friend. "Sarah, I made a huge mistake," Robert confessed. "I want you back!" "Really?" Sarah happily asked. "Do you mean it?" "Of course," Robert admitted. "I even have a special song that I can play for you." He turned on his iPod to a salsa song entitled _Dos Danzas Latinas_ , which we also heard at the summer concert last year. Robert and Sarah even shared a special dance. Everyone applauded. "Sarah, we are all so proud of you," I happily stated. "You wanted to be more assertive, and you did!" I gave my best friend a hug. Pretty soon, it was time for me to leave. "Thanks for a great day, everyone!" I thanked my friends. "You're welcome, Angel," Sarah replied. "Bye, guys!" "Bye!"


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9: Coping with Social Anxiety

The second Saturday of March 2018 was chilly when my best friend, Emily Mistle and I met my childhood friends Sarah, James, and Henri at their apartment in Oakland. "Hi, guys!" I greeted my friends. "Hi, Angel!" Sarah greeted back. "Sarah, James, Henri, I need your help with something," Emily stated. "What is it?" James asked. "Well, my older brother, Michael is throwing a business party next Friday night and I am worried that I will not know anybody that Michael works with," Emily explained nervously. "It would be a completely different story if it were my own party, but still..." "You must be experiencing social anxiety, Emily," Sarah explained. "Social anxiety?" Emily asked. "What the heck is that?" "Sit down and have a snack and we can talk about it," James offered. Emily and I ate nuts and milkshakes, Sarah ate apples and oranges, James ate cheddar and havarti cheese, and Henri ate some leftover cheese ravioli from last week. "You must really love that ravioli, don't you, Henri?" I asked. "Yes, I do," Henri replied, gobbling the ravioli. "Now Emily," James stated, "social anxiety is defined as the fear of social situations that involve interaction with other people." "Social anxiety can also be the fear and anxiety of being negatively judged and evaluated by other people," Sarah added. "People with social anxiety can be seen many times seen by others as being shy, quiet, withdrawn, inhibited, unfriendly, nervous, aloof, and disinterested," Henri chimed in. "Triggering situations can include being introduced to other people, being teased or criticized, or being the center of attention," he then added. "Let's not forget being watched or observed while doing something, having to say something in a formal, public situation, or meeting people in authority, like important people or authority figures," James added. "What about feeling insecure and out of place in social situations by saying things like 'I don't know what to say' or embarrassing easily, like blushing or shaking?" Emily asked. "Nice thoughts, Emily," Sarah pointed out, "but I would say meeting other people's eyes and swallowing, writing, talking, or making phone calls if in public." "What do you think that some physical symptoms of social anxiety could be?" I asked my friends. "I don't know, high levels of fear, nervousness, or a racing heart," Sarah replied. "Blushing and excessive sweating, along with a dry throat and mouth could also be possible symptoms of social anxiety," James added. "Trembling, muscle twitches, and nausea can be symptoms, too," Henri chimed in. "Did you guys feel like you had some level of social anxiety?" I asked my friends. "I had social anxiety when seeing the high school play _Grease_ , because I didn't know anybody there." "Well, when I was baby-sitting you and Henri for the first time at age 14," Sarah remembered. "I was anxious that I would screw up and wouldn't remember everything that you guys wanted to eat or play." "I was also anxious about my ski trip," James remembered. "You know, leaving you guys behind and meeting all these new people." "Okay, what else?" I asked. "Believe it or not, I felt social anxiety about throwing a house party for the first time, because I wanted everything to be perfect," James added. "Henri and I were also anxious about attending because I feared that it would be a repeat of Molly's Sweet 16 party," Sarah added. "Well, that was different," I pointed out. "We were actually invited to this party, not Molly's Sweet 16 party." "In what situations do you guys feel social anxiety the most?" I asked. "Going to school or situations in which there were bullies or people who were narrow-minded, as well as going places where I don't know anyone," Sarah replied. "Not knowing what to expect along with crowded places," James added. "Loud places which is part of sensory overload and not feeling like I can leave," Henri chimed in. "What physical symptoms do you guys feel when you are anxious?" I asked. "Shaking and sweating," James replied. "My heart racing and clenched fists," Sarah added. "Pent up energy and pacing," Henri chimed in. "What are some ways that you guys have dealt with your social anxiety?" I asked. "I introduce myself to break the ice," James replied. "I think about something else or do something else, like play a game on my phone and look through apps," Henri replied. "I either tell myself that people that talk down to me are insecure, or I talk to someone and tell them how I am feeling," Sarah replied. "I would just take deep breaths and take a break," Emily replied. "I would do that, too," I agreed. "What would you guys try to feel more comfortable in anxiety-provoking situations?" I asked. "I would try going into the social setting armed with a strategy by identifying a calm area in the setting to retreat to or starting to chat with friends or people I feel comfortable with first," James replied. "I would try giving myself a calming mantra and using it quietly to myself or in my head, saying something like 'You're cool, you're cool' or 'Not a big deal'," Henri added. "I would try having an escape route and burning off adrenaline," I suggested. "I would try becoming an all-star listener and having a few go-to conversation topics, like asking people how they like to spend their free time," Sarah suggested. "I would try breathing, taking baby steps, pausing to take in my surroundings, challenging my distorted thinking, and applauding my efforts," Emily suggested. "Now, which strategies did you use and which strategies didn't you use and why?" I asked. "When I was baby-sitting you and Henri, I asked you guys what you would like to eat and do, and you said you wanted chips for a snack and to play card games," Sarah remembered. "I didn't need to be a listener since I could automatically remember what you guys wanted." "I started to chat with friends or people I felt comfortable with first at my end-of-summer house party rather than retreating to a calm setting," James remembered, "since I had incredibly good social skills at the time." "I used all the mantras to help me have fun when Sarah was baby-sitting us and at James's house party," Henri remembered. "I need to try breathing and taking baby steps," Emily stated. "Hey, I brought Apples to Apples with me. Do you want to play that?" "Do you think you will play it at Michael's party?" I asked. "Sure," Emily replied. "A good board game always takes my mind off of things." "That's the spirit," I encouraged my best friend. We finished our snacks and played Apples to Apples. Henri ended up winning the game. "Would you guys like to come to Zone 28 on March 24 and bowl with me and my younger siblings?" Emily offered. "Sure," Sarah replied. "We have always wanted to see what your bowling groups are like." Pretty soon, it was time for me and Emily to leave. "Thanks for a great day, guys!" I thanked my friends. "You're welcome, Angel," Sarah replied. "Bye, guys!" "Bye!"


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10: Workplace Communication

The third Saturday in March 2018 was cold when I met with Sarah, James, and Henri at their apartment in Oakland. "Hi, guys!" I greeted my friends. "Hi, Angel!" Sarah greeted back. "Would you like a snack?" James offered. "Sure," I replied. "What all do you have?" "Well, we've got apple slices, carrot sticks, celery sticks, and Wheat Thins crackers," James replied. "I'll have apple slices," I replied. "I'll have Wheat Thins crackers," Henri replied. "I'll have carrot sticks," Sarah replied. "So, I will have the celery sticks," James concluded. "Here is some feta-mint dip to go with the snacks," I offered. "How was work for all of you guys this week?" I asked. "Is the Woodland Hills Organization in Wexford doing you well?" "Work is fine for us, Angel," James replied. "Do you like your job at Goodwill in Lawrenceville?" Sarah asked. "Robert and I came the other day, and it looked like you were having fun." "Do you guys feel comfortable in your ability to communicate successfully at work?" I asked my friends. "Why or why not? I can tell you that I kind of do, but knowing what is appropriate for me is sometimes a challenge." "I definitely feel confident because I have been working with Woodland Hills for a while and I know the people I work with, and I also feel empowered," James replied. "I also feel confident because I have a general feeling the people I work with understand my struggles and we are going through the same thing," Henri replied, "with shared goals and views, as well as the environment." "I certainly feel confident because the more people I met and worked for helped me," Sarah replied. "Now, do you feel confident advocating for your needs at work, and what factors influence this?" I asked my friends. "No, because I have a hard time knowing my limits and there is a grey area where I am stressed but I can still do things," Henri replied. "I can advocate because nobody else will look out for my best interest and I want to keep my job," I told everyone. "I can advocate because I have been at Woodland Hills for a while and they have proven that they will do anything to help," James added. "I can advocate because it helps everyone and helps me use my skills to the fullest," Sarah replied. "Now, the steps of communication that we already discussed to join conversations are still relevant at work," I told everyone. "That's right, Angel," James agreed. "Like how I had to help you on your birthday while Sarah and Henri were planning a surprise party for you." "You want to know something weird, James?" I asked. "We were talking about communication in the workplace a year ago today, and it was the exact same weather for 2 years in a row now as when you drove me around Natrona Heights- cold and snowy!" "You're right, Angel," James agreed. "You have such a good memory." "So, you thought about my feelings as well as your own about not having anything to do, established a physical presence with me by making me happy, thought with my eyes that you needed help, and used my words to relate to your special day," I concluded. "Very good, Angel," James praised. "Now, let's talk about formal versus informal at work," I continued. "When is workplace communication formal and why?" "When you're expected to do a task, when you're generally talking to your boss, or in a meeting at the office," Sarah replied. "When is workplace communication informal and why?" I asked. "In the lunchroom or in a meeting outside of the office, depending on other factors like the setting, the language people are using, or what other people are dressed like," James replied. "What are some tips for outside of work functions?" I asked everyone. "You should stick to more formal topics, not talk about work the whole time, and not talk about other co-workers or your boss," Henri replied. "Dress is probably casual unless otherwise specified or depending on where you are going or what you are doing," Sarah added. "You should also bring money to pay for your meal or the event," James added. "Occasionally, your boss will pay the tab, but do not assume. Also, express gratitude if they do, and offer to leave the tip." "Is it okay to not go, Sarah?" I asked Sarah. "Yes," Sarah replied. "Are there times that are important to go, James?" I asked James. "Yes, with somebody that's close to you, and also things like fundraising events," James replied. "What might people think if you never go, Henri?" I asked Henri. "Maybe no impact, you are antisocial, it could influence the way your peers and boss look at you, peers could think you don't like them, or aren't invested," Henri replied. "Now, how is written communication, such as e-mail, different than in person communication on the job?" I asked everyone. "You can't take it back and don't have visual feedback on how the person reacts to the e-mail," Sarah replied. "Poor grammar could and does influence the way that people see you," James added. "There are also limits to how you can express yourself through e-mail," Henri chimed in. "Some tips that I would use for writing e-mails at work include to be specific, short, and clear during the subject's line in e-mails, how to address e-mails, like when to use Mr., Mrs., or Ms., the person's first name, or 'To Whom This May Concern', how to end e-mails with Sincerely, Best, or Warmly, whether to use formal or informal language in e-mails, and whether to always use them," I informed everyone. "You use To if you're just sending to one person, CC if you're sending to more than one person and it isn't important to keep the receipts private, or BCC if you're sending to more than one person and you want to keep the receipts private," Sarah added. "For replying, you hit Reply, which just sends the e-mail back to the person who just e-mailed you, or Reply All, which sends the e-mail to everyone also listed on the original e-mail," James added. "Henri, when would you need to advocate at work?" I asked Henri. "Before accepting a job, and also when you recognize that you need something from your boss," Henri replied. "Sarah, how should you do this: in the middle of a meeting, around other co-workers, or when you're frustrated?" I asked Sarah. "I advocate in private, or with an aide, or human resources, or my immediate supervisor, and when I am not frustrated," Sarah replied. "I remember advocating to my boss during my practices for my graduation ceremony when I had a new job at the time helping to pay for my tuition to Carnegie Mellon University," James remembered. "Using the practices of being assertive, how did you tell your boss about the concerns you have?" "My empathy statement was 'I understand that the YMCA needs more help, but I feel that my graduation is a special event, which is more important, because this will be my only graduation ceremony I will experience, I would like you to give me an extra night off because I am sure that you understand that graduation comes first." "That was a very good statement, James," I remarked. "Work is important, but your graduation ceremony was sentimental, James, and Angel and I were very happy to see you in the audience," Sarah remembered. "Too bad I was too young to attend at the time," Henri stated. "It seems like only yesterday I was turning 18 years old and graduating from Freeport Area High School," James remembered, "and now I am three months away from being 30 years old!" "Before you know it, you'll be old and grey, James," Henri remarked. "Don't remind me, Henri," James remarked. "Are we still on for bowling at Zone 28 with Emily and her younger siblings next Saturday afternoon?" I asked my friends. "Absolutely," Sarah remarked. "I will also remind Carly and her parents when I see them at Monroeville Mall tomorrow," I stated. Pretty soon, it was time for me to leave. "Thanks for a great day, everyone!" I thanked my friends. "You're welcome, Angel," Sarah praised. "Bye, guys!" "Bye!" 


End file.
